i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
