Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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