felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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