Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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