drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
