Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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