Porn is love you can see.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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