my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
