btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
