His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
