life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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