ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize