Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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