Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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