So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
