i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
