im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't deserve a penis
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
