now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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