cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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