I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
