she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize