Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
