apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
