can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
