I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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