I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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