My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
