i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
