he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
