i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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