What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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