I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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