So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
