Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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