I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
