Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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