Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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