i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
