The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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