I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
