very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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