I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can text with my tongue
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
