i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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