Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
