She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
