come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
