Swine flu. Run for my life!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
