note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
