At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
