take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
