I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
