I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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