I am puke
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
