I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
