I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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